Down to Nothing

31 Oct

Have you ever felt like life’s storms have tossed you around so violently that your soul actually hurts?  Do you feel like there is no hope, you are at the end of your rope, AND that you are Down to NOTHING?!

I know how you feel.  Seems like lately all I have been doing is jumping ~  dodging wave after wave, desperately trying to be brave!  See, I have two young children who count on me, so I HAVE to make sure they thrive and grow!  Nope ~ no way can I allow myself to be pulled under this harsh undertow. 

The breakers surge. Damn they just keep coming crashing in!  Now, much too much ~  to my chagrin, once again I must come face to face with all my emotions.  I am filled with fear, anger, sadness and frustration.  This  riptide is strong, I feel like I am being pulled deeper into my ocean of pain.  Please tell me, when will this storm end so my broken heart can mend?

I claw for solid ground and my head pounds.  I worry about everything.  Like how I’ll keep a roof over our heads and pay for my daughter’s medicine.  My son is growing like a weed.  Now let’s see, do I pay the electric bill first or make sure my babies feed?!  All the while my ex-husband, their father, is out partying; riding his brand new Harley Davidson up and down the Eastern Coast without a care in the world.  On his Facebook page he brags and boasts about what he REALLY loves most ~ himself!

He’s been fired from yet another job (number 3) and the child support has stopped.  But somehow he’s got money to spare, doing whatever he wants ~ whatever he dares.  Instead of acting responsibly ~ doing whatever it takes to help care for his young children, he ostensibly continues to display his contempt for me. 

He thinks he’s a winner but really he’s a sinner!  Shame on you, bragging to your “friends” about enjoying your next steak dinner.   They turned off my gas today, cause I didn’t have the money to pay.  I guess Peter got tired of me robbing Paul ~ but really, I just want to keep the kids safe and warm ~ that’s all.  

I am WEARY!  Dear Heavenly Father, right now my life seems dreary!  Feels like I’m down to Nothing. 

Try to stay upbeat and smile, that’s my motto, that’s my style!  I teach my children to be thankful, humble, grateful and proud.  I teach them that no matter how tough things are for us, we never know the battles of our fellow humans ~ so it’s important to be there ~ to always lend a helping hand.

Live so that when your children think of fairness and integrity, they think of you!”

~ Jackson Brown, Jr. ~

I will continue to encourage and inspire, even though my world as I know it, seems bleak and dire.  Why Craig are you such a LIAR?!  After a while, when I think no one is looking, I retreat to my room where the darkness looms.  As my smile fades, I try hard not to let myself be jaded ~ yet as tears from my sorrow slowly burn, the sadness I feel inside cannot be shaded. 

The prettiest smiles sometimes hide the deepest secrets ~ The prettiest of eyes have cried the most tears  ~ and the kindest of hearts have felt the most pain.

It hurts so much to struggle not just financially, but emotionally as well.  With God as my witness, I live to tell how each lesson I learn continues to show just how amazingly STRONG I really am no matter how low I been!  But honestly WARRIORS, I’m only human and try as I might to keep worry far from sight, I find myself wondering what tomorrow my bring.  Damn these dang tears, they still sting!!  Some days I ask God, “How will I keep up this pace with another smile on my face?”  But I already know the answer ~ I will keep going because of His Grace!

My heart holds on dearly to my Faith ~ believe me, it’s all that stands between me and my fury!  Yes, in your sick twisted mind Craig, I bet you feel really empowered ~ accomplishing your goal of hurting me by abandoning your children.  In reality Craig, all you really are is a spineless COWARD!

My emotions have run the full gamut; from anger to sadness, from fear to just simply wanting to give up!  I have sobbed so much, that it hurts to even breathe.  For the life of me, I just cannot fathom how a person could do this to his own flesh and blood…all for the sake of greed.

I feel so low, like there’s nowhere to go.  I feel helpless and so alone, but what is to be gained by focusing on the pain?

Craig, I just want to know ~  how you can wake up each morning knowing that you have not paid child support?  Why haven’t you even tried to contact your children? How pathetic, it been just about two years now!  No calls to see how they are doing, in life, in school.  What are you ~ some kind of fool?  No Happy Birthday wishes or Merry Christmas calls.  The only one you care about is you ~ that’s all.  In court you claimed to be indigent, but you somehow have all this money to travel, party and spend.  A brand new Harley and vacations galore but what about your children ~ don’t they deserve to have more?

You’ve wounded them deeply ~ tossing them aside.  Does it make your black heart fill with pride?  I don’t understand you were adopted yourself…why would you abandon your blood ~ how could you purposefully hurt someone else?

Our gifted 9 year old son has written about how much he hurts.  He can’t understand what he did so wrong to cause his dad to stop loving him and his sister.  They even wrote a song about how it feels like they do not belong, cause all of their friends have dads who share, real men to look up to ~ someone to care.  He told me that he feels that you never loved him, so he and Reilly had a party to celebrate ~ surviving being abandoned by their father!  When I think about your father and how much he loved CJ and Reilly ~ I can only imagine the pain and shame he feels watching from heaven.  

Our daughter has asthma so bad that she requires breathing treatments twice daily to stave off an attack which could ultimately kill her.  Our son has severe allergies and requires an Epi-pen in the event he has an allergic reaction and he stops breathing.  You don’t care ~ you carry on like they don’t exist!

Wonder how all of your so-called “friends” many of whom are parents, will feel once they find out how you’ve  NEGLECTED and ABANDONED your beautiful children ~ BLESSINGS from God!  Just wait Craig, til they find out who you REALLY are!  Jail time is right around the corner ~ who will step up and give you bail?

I’ve been told how brave I am for sharing the story of my struggles with my fans, but the truth is, at this very moment I do not feel very brave…I feel like I am Down to NOTHING.

In spite of this, I KNOW there is HOPE.  I am not ashamed for sharing my pain because I do believe that if there is just one person I can help, then it is well worth sharing the rawness of my angst with the world!  Just KNOW there is absolutely no shame in my pain!

When I look at the Sweet, Innocent faces of my two precious BLESSINGS, I know that I will dig in, and find the strength to gear up for yet another Court Battle.  Sometimes I feel like it’s just a waste of time, but  if I don’t do what is right and fight for CJ and Reilly ~ that in itself would be a crime!

I am a proud single mommy of two of the most BEAUTIFUL Angels on the Face of this PLANET.  Yes, I have been knocked down, but guess what?  I am here ~and much to the dismay of the haters ~ YES I do have the AUDACITY to STILL be STANDING!  No matter how strong the tide ~ God is right here; right by my side!  My children and I, well ~ we will SURVIVE!

See somewhere deep inside of me, there’s an inner resolve that I just cannot explain ~ it drives and compels me to Stay STRONG.  I may feel Down to Nothing ~ BUT ~ God is up to something ~ I just cannot see it yet.  So in spite of my sorrow, I remain HOPEFUL.  I hold on to my Faith and try not to fret. 

The Faithful SEE the invisible, BELIEVE the incredible and then they RECEIVE the IMPOSSIBLE!!

Cause I KNOW my Impossible is just around the corner and on this you can bet!

Just My Two Cents♥♥

© 2011, 2012

2 Responses to “Down to Nothing”

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